Former Morrisons security guard turned Islamic State Jihadist, Omar Hussain has written a blog post complaining his fellow terrorists are severely lacking in the manners department.
Anyone can have a blog nowadays. Even if you want to ditch your dull English life working in a supermarket, change your name and move to Syria to become a terrorist – you can have your Tumblr account.
Unfortunately for Omar, who now goes by the name of Abu Saeed al Britani – which I believe roughly translates to “Happy Father of Britain”, life in Syria isn’t working out quite as planned.
In fact, he has taken to writing a 6,000 word blog post on the culture clash of moving to Syria and why in general, life is a bit shit.
They just won’t queue
Chief amongst his gripes, in true British fashion is that Arabs just won’t form an orderly queue, he writes “Another ‘great’ feature of Arabs in administration is that there is no queue in any of their offices. You could be waiting in line for half an hour and then another Arab would come and push in the queue and go straight in.”
Islamic State have even been known to complain that had to queue to become suicide bombers – so it’s no surprise they’re not forming orderly queues like the Waitrose deli line that Omar is used to.
They steal my shoes
Omar goes into some detail in his blog post describing the excitement of eating, sleeping and fighting with in ‘Syrian brothers’ in a small space, comparing it to a ‘university like’ experience. The tone soon melts into one of bitter disappointed as he recants the numerous times his brothers have nicked his shoes: “In the west, it is common knowledge to walk out of a room wearing the same pair of shoes that you wore while entering the room. Nay, it is common sense. However here in Shām, our Syrian brothers have a very peculiar philosophy whereby they believe that everyone can share each other’s footwear, irrespective of foot size. Someone who is a size 40 will casually walk out the room wearing your footwear even though you are a size 44, and strangely he may not even realise.”
They can’t drive
Quite a few Middle Eastern countries have very lax laws when it comes to obtaining driving licenses. In some cases, you merely need to apply for one to get it. Omar is obviously missing sitting in gridlock: “In the west, one is required to look into his side mirrors prior to moving lane or going to a slip road, however an Arab would hardly ever look into his mirrors, even if he is coming onto a busy motorway. Women casually walk on the roads and hardly look over their shoulder to see if a car is coming, nor do they move out the way until you are right besides them horning at them.”
Omar’s other complaints extend to:
- Going through his personal belongings without permission
- Unplugging his phone to charge their own
- Childish behaviour and wrestling when trying to have a serious conversation
- Grabbing at food before it’s served
- Taking criticism badly
- Poor construction and administration skills
- Speaking loudly when others are trying to sleep
- Staring at foreigners
- Treating animals badly (except black dogs, it’s fine to kill them)
- Shop keepers ripping you off
- Not following through on their words
Not many people will sympathise with Omar after he left the UK in 2014, trained and fought with al-Qaeda affiliate Jabhat al-Nusra, before defecting to ISIS.
He has since threatened to “bomb the UK”.