Russia bravely destroys mountain of cheese as homeless go hungry


In a fit of pique against EU and US imposed sanctions against Russia for invading Ukraine, Russian dictator president Vladimir Putin has ordered the destruction of food imported from the countries that imposed those sanctions.

Russian cheese
“It could be cheese, there’s just no way to tell”

After denying that the Russian military invading Ukraine were not actually there because the very distinctive Russian military hardware and personnel did not have any badges or flags on them, and therefore couldn’t possibly be Russian, not at all, comrade, Putin thumbed his nose at his western oppressors and declared an import ban on anything at all that was made in those countries. Fresh foreign produce continued to be brought into the country using false paperwork, but on Thursday last week, a second law came into effect ordering the destruction of all such goods at the border.

It is estimated that over 300 tons of food was destroyed on the first day, including apples, tomatoes and carrots; nine tons of “mysterious European cheese” were bulldozed and – perhaps most disturbingly of all – truckloads full of delicious bacon were incinerated, rather than being gently crisped and pressed lovingly between two slices of bread.

Russian citizens, of whom some 20 million live in poverty, and who are faced with inflation rates on groceries of as much as 20% were, needless to say, horrified as Vladimir Putin sat by and casually spat his dummy in a Westerly direction.

According to The Guardian, however, a spokesperson for the dictator president said that the foods being destroyed were “contraband goods with no certificates of origin and as such there was no guarantee that they were safe for consumption, meaning it would be irresponsible to give them out as humanitarian aid to people in need”. Perhaps certain members of the government might believe that, but the starving millions probably don’t

So – three cheers for Russia for destroying all that easily identifiable fresh produce at a time when their citizens need it most. What’s next? They’ll probably tell us they didn’t bribe FIFA to host the football World Cup. Oh.