Norfolk records first ever ‘violent crime’ committed with biscuit


A surge in reported violent crime in the county of Norfolk, England, has been blamed on a 100% rise in the number of assaults with biscuits.

Choose your weapon wisely

Yes, really. Norfolk recorded a ‘violent crime’ where the weapon was indeed, a biscuit. Other alleged violent crimes that have been recorded by the Norfolk police force include; a child accused of Actual Bodily Harm (ABH) by brushing a stinging nettle on his friend’s arm, another report of ABH by a child wearing boxing gloves accidentally bopping his sibling on the nose, and yet another child accidentally riding into his friend whilst “pulling a wheelie” on his bicycle, although that was formally reported as “assault”. Next you’ll think kids will be cautioned by police for playing Dungeons & Dragons.

Stephen Bett, Norfolk Police Commissioner, is quoted as saying that the reporting of these incidents is “jaw dropping” and that he “frankly couldn’t believe what he was reading” but that “National crime recording standards give the police a duty to record these incidents as crimes.” But only in Norfolk, apparently, which means it’s not really the government that’s to blame here, but rather you, Mr. Stephen Bett, as head honcho of the Norfolk police.

The assault-biscuit in question has not been identified, which therefore begs the first question as to whether or not Chocolate Hob-Nobs, for example, are of more danger to human life than say, Cream Crackers, Jaffa Cakes or Rich Tea. Would throwing an Oreo at somebody constitute assault with two deadly weapons plus attempted murder through asphyxiation on that delicious and creamy interior? Could you sue a person if they attempted to choke you on a pair of ginger nuts?

The second, and more important question which must be asked is, who the fuck reports being hit by a biscuit to the police?