London to introduce dog poo DNA testing in bid to get one over 1984


In an age of austerity, terrorism and global conflict it has deemed appropriate that more time and investment needs to be put into dog shit.

That's right, Mr. Puggles. Look at what you've done.
That’s right, Mr. Puggles. Look at what you’ve done.

Soon, you’ll be able to add your dog’s mess to the list of inescapable, nasty bits of life that you can’t run away from and pretend it doesn’t exist. You can thank a number of London councils that are set to invest in DNA testing technology that will allow them to match up dog mess with the respective pet and owner

With Barking & Dagenham council to be the first to introduce the scheme, Gary Downie, the managing director of Streetkleen which has exclusive rights to the PooPrints technology, excitedly points out, “When a council with the name of Barking asked, you couldn’t ask for a better location”.

Mr. Downie goes on to say that the council were so keen to discuss the idea, they actually rang him on New Year’s Day to discuss it. This does open up a myriad of new questions, such as, “How bad is your New Year’s Day dinner when you have to excuse yourself to make a phone call about dog feces”?

Awkward. Need to go phone a man about a dog. Poo.
Awkward. Need to go phone a man about a dog. Poo.

From next April everybody in the UK will have to microchip their dog and during this process where it is believed dogs may also have to take a citizenship test, it is Gary’s hope that vets can get a cheeky swap around the arsehole in, so your pet’s poo profile is forever logged in some shitty government database.

One thing you can’t be opposed to however is the creation of new jobs. To pull off this glorious plan, councils will presumably need to hire people to take the time to wander the streets of London taking samples of any faeces they can find on the street. It is not clear whether they will actually clean up any positively identified dog mess or simply take a sample of it and leave it for the correct department to deal with.

The Editor

I wish it was satire.