World in shock as City trader found to be ‘greedy’


The first criminal trial for interest rate manipulation is underway and the UK has been hit with the stunning revelation that City traders are indeed, greedy little shites.

Tom Hayes
I know what you’re thinking, “but he has such an honest face!”

Tom Hayes, a 35-year old former City trader from Fleet in Hampshire has been accused of acting in a “thoroughly dishonest and manipulative manner”.

He was charged in June 2013 for eight counts of conspiracy to defraud between 2006-2010 by manipulation of the Libor rate. For those not in the know, Libor rates are the average ‘interbank’ interest rate at which a selection of banks on the London money market are prepared to lend to one another.

Mr Hayes, apparently not realising he was still being a cunt, told investigators:

“The point is, you are greedy, you want every little bit of money you can possibly get… that’s how you are judged, that’s your performance metric.”

He went on to explain that rigging the Libor rate was a common practise by City traders, not much unlike using someone else’s milk from the communal fridge when you make your coffee. Tom did however admit, he was a “serial offender”.

While this news may make ‘ordinary folk’ living in difficult times grimace in displeasure, it is important to try and understand the personal motivations behind these kinds of acts.

While appearing in court, Mr Hayes explained to the Jury that his actions, were in part, because his he felt his employers “were not paying him enough”.

Well, that’s okay then?

The trial is expect to last 10-14 weeks.

The Editor

I wish it was satire.