Following the revelation that rulers are now classified as deadly weapons, classroom erasers (formerly known as rubbers, before Durex got involved) have been branded “instruments of the devil”.
Guy Claxton, a cognitive scientist and professor at King’s College, claimed his declaration of rubbery satanic influence in an interview with the Daily Telegraph, adding that: “[the eraser] perpetuates a culture of shame about error. It’s a way of lying to the world, which says ‘I didn’t make a mistake. I got it right first time.’ That’s what happens when you can rub it out and replace it.”
Students nationwide must now be living in fear of failing their exams in case they are forced by teachers to leave their papers full of errors, following an implementation of a game show policy along the lines of “I’m sorry but I can only accept your first answer”, as opposed to thoughtfully realising they have made a mistake, and for reasons of neatness and space, deciding to remove the evidence of their failure and replace it with something which will bring them a better grade. The choices are simple: Admit you’re wrong, resort to crossing out and scribbling in the margins, or face an eternity of torment and damnation.
The Catholic church has long considered rubbers (as in the male contraceptive device) to be the work of the devil, however has previously made no statement about classroom stationery. As the stock market wavers, hinged on a sudden devaluation of shares in Tippex, and given that many school children will submit papers that were typed on modern instruments such as the electronic typewriter, word processor or indeed a computer, one has to wonder how long it is before religious radicals spark up a fiery debate about what evil influence gave rise to the development of <Delete> and <Backspace>, and which of the unholiest of dark arts is behind the malevolent <Ctrl-Z>.