School children to be made death-proof with bullet shielding blanket


American company ProTecht wants schools across America to buy their new bulletproof blanket, designed to keep children safe during school shootings.

bullet proof blanket

Rather than considering the fact their gun control laws may need amending, American entrepreneurs have come up with another idea that not only stops their children dying in school shootings – it also drives profit

Taking inspiration from the humble turtle, Protecht has designed a protective blanket that can be dished out and strapped onto the little learners. In the event of a school shooting, the children can strap on their little shells and huddle on the floor like a tiny, terrified version of 300’s spartans.

turtle children
“We will cower in the shade!”

Presumably, the logic in this situation is that the armed assailant who has decided to take an assault rifle to school will now be irrevocably trumped by the situation, unable to see any possible way to kill the little bastards while they are smugly taking shelter under their impenetrable blankets.

The manufacturer’s website brags that the blankets are “made from the same materials as our U.S. soldiers wear while in battle” and goes on to estimate the Bodyguard blanket “provides bullet proof resistant protection against 90% of all weapons that have been used in school shootings”. The website does not go on to speculate what will happen when a potential shooter sees it’s just actually a kid with a blanket on.

It’s not just schools Protecht is focussed on, “Bodyguard blanket can provide protection when used properly in many settings. These include, home, highway (cars and trucks), workplace, shopping center, amusement park, sporting event or any other location where people reside,” the site reads.

Why solve your gun issues when you can just hide under a blanket?

The Editor

I wish it was satire.