Men urged to turn their sperm into popsicles

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People in white coats who don’t get out in the fresh air very often are urging the government to freeze the sperm of all men at the age of eighteen.

Semen popsicle
One of these popsicles tastes like.. Regret

“Make love to me,” she whispered, her breath hot and husky on his neck, “I want to you to give me a baby, I want to be the mother of your children.”

“Um… be right back,” he whispered, throwing off the bedsheets and stumbling, naked, towards the bedroom door. She watched his butt-cheeks jiggle curiously in the candle-light.

In the background, there was a mechanical noise, a series of electronic beeps and the low hum of what sounded very much like a microwave oven, her suspicions confirmed by the high pitched “ping” at the end of the cycle.

He returned to the bedroom, ready, prepared, sure that this would be the night when the miracle occurred.

He gazed in wonder at her immaculate form, laid back against the pillows, and his breathless anticipation turned to a gasp of horror as she raised the paperback book in front of her face. Fifty Shades of Grim, read the title.

He turned to the small white vial in his hand, struggling to read the tiny label in the shadowy light cast by the candles, the tears of disappointment clouding his vision.

“Do not re-freeze once thawed,” it read.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, this is how we will produce offspring in the latter half of the 21st century. A UK bio-ethicist (presumably one without a lisp) says that sperm-banking on the NHS “should become the norm”, because the viability of sperm decreases later in life, thereby increasing the risk of genetically transmitted diseases such as autism and schizophrenia.

Currently, privately banked sperm costs between £150 – £200 per year to store. At a very approximate guesstimate of 2 million men aged between 18 and 24 at any given time, this equates to roughly £400 million pounds per year spent on the cold storage of spermcicles, not forgetting that the yearly total will be cumulative until the ageing male population decides they want to have babies.

Several billion pounds of taxpayer funded money would therefore be spent on keeping chilled semen in the freezer. Surely it would make better sense just to let people get down to it in the normal way, in the usual places, and invest money in gene therapy to treat such illnesses, rather than have couples pop down to the clinic every time the female half starts ovulating.

Romance. It’s not dead, it’s just been put on ice.