London’s ‘Bromley Batman’ vigilante comes forward after stopping multiple vicious muggings

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For the last three years, London has been protected by a masked vigilante, locally dubbed as the ‘Bromley Batman’. He has now come forward to shed some light on his activities.

Bromley Batman
And you thought part of Batman’s powers was that he was just really rich.

Over the last few months, there have been multiple reports in London papers of a ‘masked superhero’ swooping in to help mugging victims, usually defeating muggers in hand-to-hand combat before fleeing the scene himself.

Up until this point, very little was known about the ‘Bromley Batman’ except that eye witnesses reported he had a beard and being was a complete badass.

The masked crusader has come forward to local papers to set a few things straight, confirming his identity by providing details about victims that were never made public.

One thing he would like to make very clear is that he doesn’t like the name ‘Bromley Batman’ – so our advice, from the accounts we’ve heard would be to stop calling him that immediately. If you’re reading this, Bromley Batman, we’re sorry. He said if people must refer to him with a moniker, then he would like to be known as “The Shadow”, after the popular comic he was a fan of as a child.

As you’d expect, The Shadow is not keen to provide personal details as he says he fears for his family’s safety. He would say that he was ‘younger than 50, but older than 25’ – as you may have guessed for someone who read ‘The Shadow’ as a child. He can also confirm that when not crime fighting, he holds down a day job and does have “a big, beautiful beard”.

You may have also guessed it by the way he has seemingly kicked the shit out of anyone he chooses, The Shadow revealed he had been training in martial arts “since a very young age”.  He also commented that his old career gave him “relevant experience”, fuelling rumours that The Shadow, may be ex-military or special forces.

Writing to the London Evening Standard via anonymous e-mail, The Shadow reveals he has been fighting crime on the streets for over three years now, only recently being brought to the limelight. He says this on his motivations:

“I just want to make a difference and leave this world a tiny bit better for the younger generation to inherit. I got sick of seeing crime on the news and in the papers with rarely anyone willing to step in and help people in need.”

The Shadow went on to say that while the quality of policing varies by area, a lot of police “are not fit enough to deal with 21st century crime”.

When asked if he had a message for the Londoners he was helping, he simply said: “I’m glad the people I have helped are OK, but there isn’t any thanks needed. Just raise a glass or something and then forget about it and get on with your lives – I wish you all well.”

Classy as fuck.

The Editor

I wish it was satire.