Kodak admits owning weapons-grade uranium


‘Kodak moments’. Tiny lurid orange disposable cameras? Photos of ‘that stag’ in Magaluf? Or dazzling nuclear armageddon?

Atomic blast
“I still can’t turn the flash off”

In what may be ‘most nonchalant corporate response ever’, Kodak has casually admitted that it’s had a whole bunch of weapons grade uranium in an underground lab for the last 30 years in Rochester, New York.

A Kodak spokesperson and former scientist for the firm, stated that there was “not enough material to sustain a nuclear chain reaction”.

However, Edwin Lyman, who is a nuclear physicist with the Union of Concerned Scientists, which believe it or not, is actually a real thing, says, “In this day and age, no one should be allowed to possess nuclear-weapons-usable material without providing an armed defense of that material”.

While still looking chronically concerned, Edwin went on to say, “There really should be an effort to eliminate the use of materials in commercial companies that could be used by terrorists to make nuclear weapons”.

Kodak maintains that the holding of enriched uranium was necessary for the testing of film for impurities and ‘other’ research. The company also states that it was never meant to be a secret, they just, you know, didn’t want to make a big deal of it.


The Editor

I wish it was satire.